Will you be there?

I feel like I just wanna scream and cry. Why? Because I feel like everything (almost) that's ever meant something to me was taken away from me and I feel (again) how my body is ready to give in. He and the other He was taken in speed from me and I wanna have someone so bad that I can trust and I know will support me more than the world itself. I'm not especially pretty, the only thing I have on my side is the knowledge of everything and I know that in school is where the future starts. It is there you begin. Without knowledge you don't get anywhere in life and that's what I've taken to (maybe to some) extreme. But that's just who I am. And I feel like I'm not cool or good enough to be a part of the "gang" that is considered "cool". Sometimes I wish I was like them, for example when He is there and I see how they suffocating me and Him and forcing him to play stupid games. And there are times when I hate them, they don't seem to understand what school is all about. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a geek or anything but at the same time I'm not embarrassed and tries to hide that I love to learn stuff and be smart. I think everyone love to feel good at something. But it has it's price. Back to the top... I lost everything (almost) that ever meant something to me and I really want it back. He NR.2 has already a girlfriend so I don't have a shot there... and He is hypnotized into some kind of evil side of the school. He's with the "cool ones". As late as today I got an insight about why I hate Him. Or hated, is maybe the right word now. I hate more the people who did him to what he is today... a coward... anyway, I hated Him because I didn't see and didn't accept we didn't have a future together, I lived in denial for one year and I thought I was happy and that He was the love of my life but instead I only wanted to find a substitute for the lost of something unknown. Find a reason to wake up in the morning and feel beautiful and one the most important, needed. I couldn't say to myself;"you are perfect ass you are". I had to have someone else to say it to me or mean it. So that's what he did, he acted as a "drug" and I felt "high" on love several months and when I he wasn't around I felt really ugly. I realized this RIGHT NOW. I won't get someone to love or will love me back until I've fixed these mental issues. It was only my body who played a prank on me and made me think I was happy and that He loved me. But, He could also have loved me in a period of time, very possible. I was blind. 100 % blind, cuz I couldn't see how unhappy I was when I thought I was happy.
How can I move on? No idea, it feel so distant to "try to forget him" and it feel like I got to hear that from everyone. Honesly, I've no clue.
- JW